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October 24 Starshine I was having a chat with the girl from the furniture place. Actually I wasn't. I was having a chat with Ian about the book my daughter gave me for my birthday, which I'd read, and the book which Ian lent me about four weeks before my birthday, which I hadn't. Sarah gave me the River Cottage Meat Book, and Ian lent me the Australian edition of Kitty Kelly's The Royals, which I wouldn't have sought out but now I have it I'll probably try and flick through it one day. One major problem I have is that there are currently eleven or twelve so far unread books in my pending pile, and it's growing all the time. So many books, so little free time.
Anyway, Sally heard me mention my recent birthday and decided to ask me when it was, my birthday. As she is very easy on the eye, is pleasant company and she likes my shop and what it provides, I told her. I am shallow and easily swayed, but that's not something I'd criticise in others so it causes me no guilt.
"Twenty first of last month", I told her. "Ah", she replied. "That's my ex-husband's birthday. But he was born in 1959, so you'd be a few years younger than him", she flattered. I told her that was the year that I came into being as well.
"Are you a typical Virgo?" she asked. "Nobody else ever puts things away properly? You always know exactly where you left things and can tell if somebody else has moved them? Nobody can ever change your mind? About anything? And are you a stubborn, nit-picking self absorbed-"
"You and your ex-husband didn't part on the best of terms then Sal?" I wondered. "And yes, you're a very good judge of character."
"The only thing he ever did right was to give me a good foot massage now and again" she said. "I'll always remember your birthday, anyway. And I'm a Libra. You can call me slovenly." I wouldn't dream of it. She's got cheekbones like Gina Lollobrigida's.
"My dog gives me a good foot massage" said Ian, who I'd forgotten was sitting there. He has slightly scaley skin, although there is nothing reptilian about him. He doesn't catch passing insects with a rolled up tongue, for a start. Sally, on one hand and the other, has lovely skin. That's one reason I'd forgotten about Ian.
"What?" asked Sally. I had a horrible feeling that I knew what might be coming.
"Oh yes" said Ian. "I cover my feet with peanut butter and the dog licks it off. It's very good for the feet, and I enjoy it. Molly loves peanut butter so she gets something out of the experience too." Yes, I thought. Athlete's tongue, probably.
"Is that one reason why you and Mrs Ian are no longer a married couple?" asked Sally.
"Yes" I answered for him. "She objected to the peanut butter. She preferred lime marmalade but it irritated Ian's skin and encouraged the scaleyness. Didn't it Ian? It was the citric acid that did it."
We are granted eternity, and this is how we spend it.
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